Sirius's Serious Plot
by Rhapsody in Pink
Summary: Sirius has two new victims for his matchmaking 'skills' : Lily and James (Fluff that's only a tad longer than usual fluff pieces)
1. Walking a Fine Line

****

Author's Note: It's been a long time, my friends. I'm really sorry I haven't updated Reunions etc but I decided to post this thing anyway. Considering it's finished, I'm quite ok with it. (If it weren't, well I definitely wouldn't post it. I've too much on my plate as is!)

****

Disclaimer: Not really necessary since everyone knows the drill….

PS- If anyone happens to know some outstanding L/J fics, would you mind recommending them? I haven't really circulated myself recently with all the awesome stories. Dang it, I actually feel old since I still remember finding Tropical Fishy's stories everywhere and all that stuff. Seriously scary. Seriously deranged. Seriously old (and it's only been a few years!) 

****

Sirius's Serious Plot

__

Part One: Walking A Fine Line

"So you hate me? Not that I wasn't sure of the fact, I just want to have the words right you understand." The teenager shook back his hair and laughed at his companions shocked expression.

"_Sure_," she paused. "No, I don't hate you. I loathe you."

"Technically they're the same," he replied easily, not at all alarmed by the fact that she loathed him. He probably would have been more alarmed if she'd said the opposite. Actually, so alarmed that he'd probably apply for a place at Beauxbaton. And the only good thing that came from those French ninnies were that the girls were gorgeous and had sexy accents. 

"I realized they were synonyms you idiot."

"I just wanted to be sure."

__

"Right." The girl rolled her eyes. Sometimes she just couldn't stand this guy. What was she saying? She always couldn't stand this guy! 

"Hey! I did! So if they are synonyms how come I can't say you hate me?"

"What would you do if I did?"

"I'd say there's a thin line between love and hate," he smirked. 

"Precisely. There is no thin line between us. It is very broad and has lots of fat orange elephants in between." She folded her arms smugly, glad that she'd managed to effectively win _this_ argument. After all, she'd lost so many others.

"Sometimes you worry me."

"You _always_ worry me."

"Well, much as I'd like to stay around and be insulted, I have someplace to be in the next ten minutes." James Potter yawned and pushed himself up off of the plush red chair he was presently sitting in.

"What a relief, I've been wondering when you were going to leave me alone!" Lily Evans glared at him with her large, green eyes. James found himself staring at her pretty, frowning pink lips. So nice…and soft…and- okay, he did NOT just think that. James snapped himself out of it. 

"You know you'll miss me," he grinned while swiping his hair out of his eyes again. Lily found herself thinking how nice and soft his hair was…so silky…and black…and- good heavens, did she actually conjure that thought?

"Yeah, like my orange elephants miss their polka dotted food," Lily smirked sarcastically. 

"So are you saying that I'm the nourishment of your heart and soul? Just kidding, just kidding!" James exclaimed while ducking a rather heavy text book that narrowly missed his head. "Sheesh, way to take a joke Evans." 

"I believe you said you were leaving," Lily sniffed haughtily before returning her attention to the crackling fire in front of her. James was shocked (and dismayed- what of his reputation?) when he discovered he had been watching the light play on her hair for the five minutes after Lily had begun to ignore him. He left as soon as possible while concluding that such 'normal' conversations were dangerous. _What do you expect with Evans? _he scolded himself. _Good grief, I'm starting to get senile in my old age. Imagine thinking Carrot over there attractive. _

Lily buried her head in her hands as soon as James left. _Idiot, idiot, idiot, _she berated herself. _Of all the stupid things to do! You **know** what happened the last time you actually talked in a normal voice with Potter~ you had a crush on him for a year. Oh you are so stupid, Lily Evans. I can tell, you're falling back in love with him again!_

"No I am not!" Lily declared fiercely to the fireplace. "And I'll personally maim anybody who says I am." She stomped upstairs in high dungeon. _Who asked Potter to be semi-nice anyway?_

"Jamsie?"

Peter could not believe he was doing this. Of all the DIM-WITTED notions of Sirius (and there had been many) this was definitely leagues ahead of Padfoot's last plan. Last time he ever played the mockingbird again, that's for sure!

"What?" James looked up startled from his large helping of sausage and eggs. He could have sworn he'd just heard Evans' voice call him 'Jamsie'. The notion sent shivers down his back; James didn't want to know if they were good shivers or bad shivers…and he sure didn't want to find out, either!

"James are you feeling alright?" Remus asked with a perfectly straight face. Merlin help him, he was actually going along with Sirius' plan. He made a mental note never to do so again. "We didn't say anything." Now that he thought of it, where _was _Sirius anyway?

"Um, yeah, just fine," James admitted weakly. Oh, he was _far_ from fine. In fact, he could tell the exact moment from which he hadn't been fine. Six o' clock on the dot last night when he first started talking to Lily. Speaking of which, where was Evans? She never missed an opportunity to humiliate him at breakfast. 

"If you say so," Remus said in disbelief before squeezing some ketchup onto his own breakfast. He wondered just what Sirius was up to with this whole plan. Did he see something last night while Remus was out on a date?

Meanwhile, time seemed to stop for James as Lily walked into the Great Hall. Her hair seemed to have become a mass of curls over night and she was actually wearing a skirt underneath that loose robe of hers. A **short** skirt. James couldn't help but think that pout on her face was adorable. Why wasn't he the one causing it? Who had dared to cross over onto his territory? Well he was going to have to kill them, that much was for sure.

Lily paused and searched the Great Hall. James wanted to grin when he saw her look at him and narrow her eyes. The day just got better and better when she choose to march his way. This time James couldn't restrain his dimpled grin. Now, if only she could get close enough so that he could cover that pout with his own lips and kiss her over and- oh bloody hell! He did NOT just think that! Well, he did. And what was wrong with it, might he ask? He _was_ a red-blooded teenager. He was allowed to think things like that, wasn't he? _Not with Evans, _he reminded himself consciously. _She's too fun to mess **with** to actually mess **up**. Damn it, I wouldn't want to see her cry!_ James decided to ignore that last thought and instead concentrate on who had the nerve to intrude on his turf. Only _he_ was allowed to torture Lily Evans. 

"Potter!" her ringing tones managed to bring the attention of the entire Hall or at least the ones who hadn't already been caught up in her outfit. 

"Evans, you rang?" James called with delight. Now here was something he could deal with!

"Potter," Lily stalked over to him menacingly. Once she was closer to him, James could tell that her shirt was quite clingy. And he could tell that she was equally unhappy about it. But if he could only press his lips up against her pink ones and- no, _no_, NO, James' mind shouted at him. _We went over this already!_

James Potter was pretty sure it was going to be a long day for him. He caught a glimpse through Lily's shirt which had become the tiniest bit transparent. A very long day.

"Evans?" James repeated. He had the feeling that this confrontation might be fun. Imagine the thrill James got in the space of a second when Lily grabbed onto his gold and scarlet tie! "Are you okay?" he managed to choke out while drowning in her flashing eyes.

"Potter, I don't know how the hell you managed to curl my hair or get rid of all my clothes except these but if you don't get- why are you looking at me like that? What, do I have spinach in my teeth or something?" Lily demanded of him. The way he was looking at her made her feel almost a little woozy. A little light headed too. These were definitely NOT good signs. 

"Oh, it's nothing," James said as he drew Lily closer. Lily began to feel a little nervous. And just what did Potter think he was about? 

"Um, heh heh, Potter? Are you feeling alright?" Of course he was! Never mind that he broke up with his last girlfriend only just an hour ago. He was feeling fine!

"Never better, Lily," James said softly as he wrapped his arms around her. The sweet thing was trembling! And then he kissed her. 

Lily had the vague distinction that this was wrong as she was pressed tightly to James. Nobody could kiss like that! It should be made illegal! Her knees were practically liquefied but at the back of her mind, behind the tumult of excitement that James' lips were causing, she was feeling a bit of righteous anger. He didn't think that he could kidnap her clothes, kiss her, and then get away with it did he?

Remus' attention was drawn to the seat next to him as Sirius slid into it. "What did you do to them?" he whispered to his friend. 

"Nothing that didn't want to be done," he answered innocently but he winked roguishly at Arabella Figg who was gazing at him suspiciously over her book. "Would I ever do something rotten to one of my best friends?" He widened his eyes at Remus, who rolled his own. Please, that thing only worked on the girls!

James was enjoying himself immensely. He was undoubtedly kissing the hottest girl in school. If he didn't stop soon, he didn't believe he'd ever stop. He started dropping kisses to the corner of her mouth, and down her chin and to her neck.

Lily's eyes flew open. This was not happening! Those hands tangled in her hair weren't James'. They weren't they couldn't be. It was impossible. As much as she wanted it, this had to stop. He was only doing it because she was wearing that damnable outfit. 

"Potter, get your hands off me!" she snapped coldly. "What gives you the right to kiss me?"

"Lily," James said pleadingly as he stood up from his chair. Why did he feel empty without her in his arms? Oh damn, he was going to have to kill himself if he was in love with that she-witch, Lily. 

"James Potter if you so much as make one more noise while I'm here," Lily threatened. 

"But," James was shocked into silence as a resounding SLAP hit his jaw. "Evans, BY GOD IF YOU DO THAT AGAIN!" James roared at the top of his lungs. There was no way he was going to allow himself to be slapped around by Evans.

"Potter, you are stepping right back over that orange elephant line and you are NOT to bother me again," Lily ordered feeling rather hysterical. She left the Great Hall without so much as a bite to eat and never noticing that her hair and clothes were back to order. James sat down a bit awestruck at Lily's fury. He fingered his bruising face thoughtfully but it only served to remind him of the way Lily had looked when she had pulled away from him. What the hell was wrong with him? Why did he care? It was only Evans. James went back to eating his eggs and blatantly ignoring his friends. There was no reason for them to know that he was upset by this. Not that he was, of course

"Why are my friends so stupid?" Sirius muttered to himself. "Do I actually have to feed them a love potion or something?" Remus glanced sharply at his friend as soon as Sirius said that. 

"Don't you dare!" 

"I wonder where I can find the ingredients. Any ideas Peter?"

"If you think I'm going to actually-"

"Come _on _Peter!"

-*-*-*-


	2. In the Other Stall

****

__

Part Two: In The Other Stall

Peter whipped his thin, pink tail irritably. As the smallest Animagi of the group he had been selected to go on a foraging trip in the Potion professor's supply closet. Not that there had been really much to choose from- either a rat was going to go or a large black dog and the rat was obviously a lot less noticeable. Remus couldn't change into a wolf at will, not to mention the fact that never in his life would he have trotted down the halls of Hogwarts in his were-form. And James? Well aside from the fact that he turned into a stag which would have been even more noted than a dog, James was the whole reason behind this expedition and it was necessary that he not know anything about.

So it was Peter that had to slip into the dungeons late at night. Peter wasn't too pleased; it was cold, it was damp, and to top everything- he was positive that his tail had just fallen off. _All this just to brew an illegal potion_, Peter grumbled to himself. Although there was the time that the four Marauders had brewed an illegal potion so that they could take on animal forms… Peter decided to disregard that. _Why not just lock them in a dorm room and be done with it? After five minutes alone, they'd be shagging each other senseless._

The "they" he was thinking about as he clutched packages of shredded herbs in his tiny paws were Lily Evans and James Potter. James and he were good friends so naturally, he didn't exactly like the idea of brewing a love potion to make him fall for his worst enemy. He liked Lily too. She was a polite, cheerful person who wasn't even afraid of him in his changed form. Of course, she hadn't realized that the rat she had been feeding at the time had been Peter but Peter certainly remembered it. He had thought her perfectly decent ever since and that was a pretty high compliment coming from Peter Pettigrew.

Finally, the job of collecting the ingredients was finished. Peter had possibly never been more happy in his life. One didn't realize how big a closet could be to a rat. 

"Holy shiznit, Peter! Could you possibly have taken any longer?" Sirius demanded as he haphazardly ripped open the packages of nicked ingredients and dumped them into the cauldron. "It almost boiled over twice!"

"That's only because you got distracted by flirting with Myrtle," Remus said rolling his eyes sympathetically at Peter. 

"Ew," Peter choked. "Sirius, you know she's a ghost right?"

"FOR THE LAST TIME," Sirius snapped with a pointed glare at Remus. "I wasn't flirting with Myrtle!" 

The trio were hidden in the girls bathrooms for reasons best known only to Sirius, who had chosen the location. Peter thought this was rather suspicious for him to have chosen Myrtle's home. He barely kept in a snicker- did Sirius have a crush on the annoying little girl? She had been only twelve when she died! Sirius was sixteen! That just seemed wrong. 

Remus was having similar thoughts.

"I know what you're thinking," Sirius groaned as he stirred the brew. "And it's not true. Arabella has been snooping around me again and this is the only place I know she won't go. She absolutely despises Moaning Myrtle." Remus and Peter were suddenly looking around the bathroom hastily, wondering why Myrtle hadn't begun to sob yet.

"Oh right, she's not here," Remus said. "She flushed herself down the toilet about half an hour ago after getting mad at Sirius' weird compliment. Said something about she was looking good for a ghost."

"I thought she'd like it," Sirius protested.

"Yes, what girl wouldn't want to hear that said to her?" Peter smiled sarcastically. He dove out of the way as Sirius hurled an empty box of Scilly's Screwt Tails at his head. He reappeared with disheveled blond hair and a grin from behind the toilet. "What? I was only commenting on your charismatic charms!"

Peter narrowly escaped an iron mallet directed towards his nose. 

"I always knew Sirius should have taken those free anger management classes," Remus muttered to himself as he sprinkled a nasty smelling powder into the cauldron. Later, Peter and Sirius would remember that Remus had caused the explosion that made their eyebrows fall off and would attack him in the middle of the night. 

"I don't understand it," James was complaining the next day. He and his not-so-trustworthy friends were seated around a table in Hogsmeade, downing butterbeers the way Snape threw away shampoo bottles. In other words, there were sixteen empty mugs on the table and Peter was drunkenly motioning Rosie to bring them more. 

"What don't you understand, Prongs?" Sirius burped, swaying in his seat. If he had been a cartoon, there would be drunken bubbles popping over his head. 

"Who would do something like that to Evans?" James snapped irritably. "I think it's pretty reasonable to wonder considering I got the blame for it!" He fingered his swollen and discolored cheek absentmindedly before grabbing his butterbeer, tipping back his head, and chugging it. 

"Who indeed?" Remus said, nudging Sirius who had fallen over and was giggling hysterically. James frowned, wondering what joke he was missing. 

"Rosie!" Sirius exclaimed, grabbing the girl and pulling her onto his lap. 

"I'm not Rosie, you buffoon," she snapped, pushing her wire-rimmed glasses up her nose. Arabella Figg glared at Sirius through her tangle of brown curls, her iron cast grip on her book turning her knuckles white. "You have to try pretty damn hard to get drunk on non-alcoholic beverages, don't you?"

"Aw Bella, don't be like that," Sirius mumbled, trying to get close enough to Arabella's face for a kiss. She pushed away in disgust. "I'll have you know that there's about a point 00001 percent of alcohol."

"Ugh, I don't even want to think how much you've had," she groaned, climbing off of his lap. "And if you ever try to kiss me again, I'll have your balls for my breakfast."

"Yuck!" Peter and James gaped simultaneously in horrified gross-ness. Remus looked green as he tipped a small vial of bubbling pink goop into James's drink. 

Sirius sighed dreamily. "I like her." There really was no accounting for taste. 

James had felt funny ever since returning to Hogwarts. He was lying alone in the abandoned Gryffindor common room. Sweat beaded his forehead and he felt a dizzy sensation just behind his eyeballs. Pressing a hand to his stomach, he bolted to the bathroom. He got there just in time to spew the contents of his guts into the toilet, including the remains of the ham he'd had for breakfast. Ew.

"Hey, are you okay Potter?" James wiped his mouth off on his sleeve and looked to the door through which Lily was sticking her head. 

"If you're here to give me a matching welt, he might as well leave," he muttered weakly. "I feel bad enough as is." He froze and hunched over the toilet again. Lily winced at some particularly sloppy noises. Some inner conflict appeared on her face and then she slid onto the tiled floor next to James with a look of determination. 

"Um, here," Lily said jerkily. She stretched her hand out with a square of white linen embroidered with the initials 'LE'. 

"Er… thanks," James answered just as awkwardly. His arm was flung around the back of the toilet bowl and he looked with gratitude towards the redhead. "I think I may have had one too many butterbeers."

"Yes, well, Bella did mention Sirius getting drunk and making a move at her," Lily cleared her throat. 

"That's just cause Sirius has a crush on her," James answered, not at all concerned about the revelation of his best friend's greatest secret. He patted his mouth with Lily's hankie. He wrinkled his nose at it- he wouldn't want it back in this condition! "I'll, uh, wash this," he mumbled. Lily nodded silently. The two sixteen-year-olds remained in a companionable sort of quiet, interrupted by James occasional retching. The fact that their peers would eventually return to find the two enemies getting along in a bathroom, of all places, was completely forgotten. 

"So…," James said finally. He was still leaning, half asleep, against the toilet. He looked past his glasses, which were askew on his face, at Lily. "Did you really need anything?"

"I-" Lily looked ironically like a deer caught in the headlights. But this time it was by another stag. "Um, that is to say…."

"Yeah?"

"I wanted to apologize," Lily's slight brushing of freckles disappeared in the wave of pink that crossed her face. She carefully avoided looking at his puffy cheek. "I shouldn't have slapped you like that and, uh, I'm sorry."

"Why?" James asked, moving away from his long-time companion Mr. Toilet. 

"Huh?"

"I mean, why are you sorry? I don't remember you being sorry about locking me out of the tower in my boxers or turning me into a green parrot or-"

"Okay, I get the point," Lily snapped. Her green eyes glared at him. "Because I did some thinking, you great boobie, and I decided that I wasn't really mad about the kiss and I wouldn't mind it if you kissed me again! Alright? Are you satisfied?" She huffed in embarrassment. James's jaw was dragging on the floor. 

"Oh _really_," he finally drawled once he had recovered himself. A twinkle appeared in his eyes and he rubbed his hands together mischievously. "You wouldn't mind me kissing me again, would you?"

"Oh shut up," Lily grumped, folding her arms defensively. "Don't even think it ,vomit-breath. I certainly don't want you kissing me now." 

"Not even if I had a breath mint?" James asked hopefully. He gave her a roguish wink. 

"Not even if you had a Wrigley's Breathalizer String Mint," Lily said. 

"Worth a try," James shrugged and then he leaned over the toilet and hurled some more. 

-*-*-*-


	3. Moaning Myrtle's Frenzy

__

Part Three: Moaning Myrtle's Frenzy

"I think someone has a crush," Remus whispered out of the corner of his mouth to Peter. He could have been referring to the two sickeningly in love teenagers that were strolling down the hall holding hands, or he could have been referring to the ghost with the doe-like eyes drifting behind Sirius. He was, in fact, referring to the latter. 

"I hate you," Sirius, who had obviously heard the comment, snarled at Remus. "At least someone wants _me_."

"Does the number twelve mean anything to you?" Peter asked innocently. He then sidestepped Sirius who had lunged for his throat. 

"It's not my fault that a bloody adolescent ghoul has a crush on me!" Sirius roared. The few other people in the hall stopped to stare at him. His scowl made them quickly turn back around and carry on with their business. 

"You- you don't love me!" Myrtle wailed before diving into the crowd of bewildered students leaving behind a fluttering of loose papers drifting through the air. 

"Shit," Sirius grumbled, shoving a hand into his pocket. 

"That was just cruel Sirius Black," Arabella Figg snapped, clutching her satchel of books to her chest. "Just because she's a non-human substance doesn't mean she has no feelings!"

"Bu-!" Sirius yelped as Bella flounced away. He sent Remus a wounded look before taking off after his lady love. His 'friend' watched him bump into everyone in the vicinity calmly, despite the fact that Sirius was undoubtedly going to try to smother him in his sleep that night. Know that he thought of it, Remus acknowledged, he was often the victim of crazy Sirius. For instance, was it really _his _fault that his friends had lost their eyebrows during that unfortunate explosion? Of course not! If it hadn't been for Sirius, he wouldn't have been making an illegal brew in the first place. And Sirius wouldn't have been making the potion if it hadn't been for….

James buried his nose into his girlfriend's hair. It smelled very good- Snape could take some pointers from Lily. 

"James!" Lily squeaked, pushing him away. "I have to finish this awful essay for Transfiguration or Professor McGonagall will have my hide!" 

James smiled, twirling his fingers lazily through Lily's red hair. He scanned the assignment and his smile grew into a grin. "Don't worry about it Carrot," he placed a kiss just below her earlobe. "In fifteen minutes, I'll give you a little something about Animagi."

"Oh _really_," Lily said turning in his arms to stare nose to nose with him. "Just like you were going to give me a little something about _love potions _in fifteen minutes yesterday?"

"Hey!" James exclaimed sheepishly, his cheeks turning red. "You can't blame a guy for trying! And do you really want me to know a lot about an illegal potion? Do you really trust me that much?"

"Well…," Lily wrapped her arms around his neck. "You did seem to get a few kisses for nothing."

"I promise you can reclaim them whenever you want," James bent his head and Lily didn't get back to working on her essay for a very long time. In fact, there was a noticeable lack of an essay in Professor McGonagall's stack when she finally got around to grading them the next week. 

**__**

~ Fin ~ 

__

A/N : Sirius is so good at making his friend's lives miserable, hee hee. He might as well be blessed with the trauma of unrequited love. Besides, he's always got me … (and a few of you I'm sure).

-*-*-*-


End file.
